This was written by a good friend of mine, Tachtilex. It has some great information and is well laid out. If you have any questions you may ask here and I will pass them on to him. This is not presented as the end all be all of BDSM, but his offerings to those beginning this journey as a way to share his knowledge learned after 20+ years of sharing in this lifestyle.
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Chapter One: Why?
Because it is fun, because it feels good, and because for some folks it is a profound experience, even spiritual.
Chapter Two: Basic Terms
BDSM -- Bondage, Discipline, Sado-Masochism. This is the overarching category that encompasses a multitude of different, related styles of sexual expression.
B - Bondage -- just what it implies. The restraining of one person by the other, almost always using restraints such as rope, chains, handcuffs, straps, etc. Bondage by itself does not imply either pain or sexual activity. Most players see it as an art form in its own right. Bondage is everything from a bandanna wrapped around the eyes to full encasement in a mummy wrap. It is as simple as a pair of handcuffs holding the bottom’s hands behind their back, and a elaborate as full Japanese rope bondage. Bondage can be an incredible sexual turn-on for the top and/or the bottom even without any other stimulation.
D - Discipline -- 1. Mental. In an SM relationship, it is the control that the Top (S) has over the bottom (m). In a relationship or in a scene this control is first of all mutually agreed upon, and secondly an attitude of both persons. The bottom will submit, and will do as the Top directs or commands, both because it pleases the Top, and because it satisfies the bottom. This does not imply that the bottom is always passive or wimpy. Thus, definition 2: Physical. Discipline is that part of the application of pain, pleasure, restraint, etc. by which the Top exercises control over the bottom. In relationships where the Top actually is stronger than the bottom, this might involve actually physically controlling the bottom, such as through wrestling, boxing, etc. In cases where that would be impractical, the Top exercises the authority that the relationship or scene grants them to “force” the bottom through the use of bondage/restraint and pain/pleasure.
S - Sadism, Sadist. From the Marquis de Sade, although his version was far from consensual. In a relationship or scene, this is the person who (actually or after prior discussion) makes the decisions about what is going to happen. This is the dominant person, the giver of pain and pleasure, the conductor of the symphony. Other terms for this person include Top, Dom, Dominatrix, Sir, Master/Mistress, Daddy, Mommy, etc.
M (m) - Masochist. The original meaning is one who enjoys pain, usually as an avenue to sexual pleasure. It has come to be the person in the relationship or scene who takes the subordinate role. Except in relationships or scenes where it mutually agreed upon, the M is not actually passive, but is a true partner in creating the scene. Just as a violinist needs a violin to make music, so an S needs an M to make magic. Other terms are Sub, bottom, slave, boy, etc. As with the terms for the S, these terms are not totally interchangeable. I use Top and Bottom generically, but other terms such as Mistress/Slave may be specific to the individual relationship or scene. It is entirely possible to have either a long-term relationship or a single scene without any reference to Master-Slave, or even (overtly) to Top-bottom. It is the dynamic of Your relationship that is important. How you want to characterize it is up to you.
Scene - “are you in the scene?” Do you participate in BDSM?
A specific time of BDSM play. In this sense, a scene has a beginning, middle and an end.
Begining - The beginning is when the participants establish their desires, fears, any safe words, and what is permissible. Conversation about safer sex happens (assuming that the participants are not already in a relationship where this has been dealt with.) At the Top’s discretion, discussion may turn to the specifics of what is to happen. Sometimes this can be very erotic on its own; however, it is not the bottom’s job to direct the action. (See “Pushy Bottom!” It is the bottom’s job to be as good of a “violin” as possible, being responsive to what the Top is doing, giving verbal or non-verbal feedback so that the Top knows the effect of what they are doing.
The Middle - of the scene is when the major action occurs -- beginning with any stimulation prior to restraint, continuing with any restraint/bondage segueing into whatever forms of stimulation and sexual play.
The End - of the scene is where the Top helps the bottom “come down.” The physical needs of the bottom are attended to: water, warmth or cool as needed, release from the bondage, physical and emotional support until they are recovered. A good scene can totally wipe out and disorient the bottom, and they may need to be actually physically cared for for some time after the scene. Emotional care also can be important, holding, telling the bottom how proud you are of them, etc. This is all relative to the bottom’s needs, of course. Most often, the bottom springs up from the scene, rejuvenated, happy and ready to go again!
Some other related terms are Session, Play, Appointment, action.
SSC -- Safe, Sane, Consensual. Good sex, good play, good BDSM are Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Safety involves eliminating or greatly reducing the possibility of transferring diseases, using safer practices for bondage and for application of pain, etc. Sane refers to both parties being able to think clearly, knowing any limits of both parties, using safe words if needed, etc. Consensual refers not only to both parties entering into the play freely, but also refers to the ability of either to end the scene if they need to. Obviously, it also refers to both parties being competent adults not under any coercion.
Chapter Three: Pain or Pleasure?
Yes.
By this point you might have figured out that there is much more to this than just hitting someone. In fact there are lots of people into BDSM for whom pain is almost not a factor in their play. They enjoy bondage/restraint for its own sake, or they concentrate on the pleasurable aspects of stimulation.
But, that is not the whole story. Pain itself is multifaceted. Think about the differences between a paper cut, a burn, a slap, getting punched in the gut (lightly or hard), getting scraped with fine or coarse sand paper, having a ruler lightly tap your shin for ten minutes, or having that same ruler slap your butt hard once. Pain is not one thing. Rather, it is any stimulus of the skin or body that the brain at first interprets as unpleasant, as something to be avoided. One of the great uses of pain in BDSM is to confuse the brain, to over-stimulate it so that endorphins are produced, and to intensify the related sensations of pleasure that are also being administered to the body at the same time. (This is also one of the key reasons for restraint: to keep the body open to the pain until it does its work.) This can be accomplished just as well with a stiff brush lightly played on the nipples as with a paddle bruising the buttocks. It is up to the Top to read the bottom, seeing how he or she reacts to different stimuli.
Because one of the key uses of pain is to release endorphins, the bottom’s ability to tolerate pain increases as the scene progresses. A painful stimulus that would have ended the scene in the first five minutes may be just what the bottom needs after 20 minutes to push them over the top into orgasm.
There is the interesting related phenomenon that the right pain applied along with the right pleasure really heightens the pleasure, just as a little salt heightens the sweetness of sugar.
Pain is not always about pleasure. Sometimes it simply is about pain. Sometimes the Top uses pain as a discipline device (especially in long-term master/slave relationships). Sometimes the bottom needs to find their breaking point. Sometimes the bottom and/or the Top wants to go for endurance simply because it will be pleasing to the Top, and/or a mark of pride for the bottom.
And there is that outer reach where pain causes complete release for the bottom. The endorphins have so flooded the body, the control of the Top is so complete that the bottom has an out-of-body experience. I have never achieved this, but I have come very close. I do not recommend that novices try to find this place without supervision of experienced players. The bottom loses the ability to use safe words, loses the consciousness of sensations that might be signaling danger, loses the ability to care for themselves. The Top becomes so excited by what they are helping the bottom accomplish that they might lose good judgment. A Top should never lose control. Any physical (and in most cases, mental or emotional) injury to the bottom is the Top’s responsibility. This is why alcohol is to be used only in strict moderation.
Chapter Four: Etiquette
In the privacy of a scene, etiquette is whatever turns the Top on. If the Top really gets off on the bottom standing with their hands behind their back and their head bowed, then that is the posture to be assumed by the bottom. If the Top wants to be called “Daddy”, “Mistress” etc., that is how they will be addressed. In other words, in the scene or play session, etiquette is another part of the scene or session.
However, there are larger issues of etiquette when one is in a group environment. When one attends a play party, whether at a club or a private home, there are certain rules.
- Obey all stated or written rules explicitly, even if you don’t at first understand them. Your host or the dungeon master will be happy to explain them to you if you don’t understand.
- When you are observing the play of others, be discrete, quiet, and do not interfere with the play unless the Top invites you to join. If you are invited to join, follow their lead, adopt a demeanor that either matches or complements theirs. Be slow to speak and quick to listen and be helpful. In one sense when you enter someone else’s scene, you should see yourself as another toy or tool that the Top can use to make the magic happen with the bottom. Be aware that this scene may have emotional, mental, or relational overtones that are not at first apparent to the outside observer. Be sensitive to that, and try to enhance it rather than “break the spell.”
- Casual conversation is for the break room or refreshment area. Keep all chatter out of the dungeon. Quiet whispers to another observer are ok as long as they don’t become distracting. Talk that is actually part of the scene is ok, especially if you are directly following the Top’s lead. Follow the lead of the seasoned players in this. Discretion is always a mark of good breeding.
- If there is a dungeon master, their word is law. (In a small party without a dungeon master, the host’s word is law.) In a small gathering, this person’s identity will be acknowledged at the beginning of the evening. In a larger club, they will often wear identification: a vest or an ID tag of some kind. Their job is to see to the fun and SAFETY of all participants. If you disagree with their decision, do not argue with them in the dungeon. Rather, wait and discuss it with them or with your host outside the dungeon. Likewise, if you observe behavior that appears to you to be dangerous or inappropriate, it is a good thing to ask the dungeon master to look into it. He or she will be able both to determine if there is a problem, and to see that it is corrected. If there is no dungeon master, your host will be the arbiter of these issues. Unless there is a real emergency, no guest should interfere in the play of other guests without express invitation.
- DO ask questions and learn! Most players (both Top and bottom) have a wealth of good information to share, and are honored to be asked. If you saw a beautiful rope harness, ask the person to show you the way to build it. They may or may not wish to do it that evening, but it might open a relationship for you that will have broader possibilities in the future.
- Do ask other players to have a scene with you.
If you see someone who interests you, it is permissible to speak to them in the break area and plainly ask them for a scene. - Do not approach the bottom in a relationship except through the Top. Normally, this does not apply to casual conversation in the break area. In that setting, the bottom and/or the Top will guide you in what that bottom is permitted to say or do with persons other than their Top. It is always good manners to ask the Top’s permission before conversing with their bottom. And note, this has nothing to do with your perceived role. Just because you are topping you partner at the party, that does not give you the right to top anyone else without their Top’s permission or to act arrogantly towards bottoms. Oftentimes, the most knowledgeable, experienced players in the room will be the bottoms!
- Unattached players at a party or club are free agents and may be spoken to freely. However, if you are interested in talking with someone who appears to be submissive, even if you haven’t noticed their Top being present, it is polite to ask if they are free to converse with you.
- When you attend a party as the bottom in a couple, you need to know from your Top how they want you to act, but generally it is assumed that submissives will be deferential to all other persons in the party, especially Tops. This does not mean that they must be passive, or that they must accept unacceptable behavior from others.
- Top and Bottom roles are as fluid at a party as the couple decides they are. Just because you are submissive to your Top, that does not mean that you cannot Top another player at the party for a scene, as long as you have your Top’s permission. Likewise, just because you are sporting your keys and hankies on the left, that doesn’t mean that you can’t strip down and submit to the beautiful or handsome Top whose work you admire. Tops learn the most about their craft by being bottoms!! And, a great bottom might also be a GREAT Top for you to experience and learn from!
- When hooking up with someone for a scene, good manners as well as SSC requires a bit of conversation. If it is not clear who will be the bottom, that is a good place to start. Then the conversation can quickly turn to what sort of play the scene will involve, the desires of both parties, etc. There should definitely be clear communication about safer sex practices. The best practice in a casual encounter is to refrain from the exchange of any body fluids at all. Then, down the safety continuum, there is the question of condoms, etc. Then each person needs to have the opportunity to state any limits that must be respected, and any desires that might be fulfilled. In many cases, it is good to have safe words. Many people use Red, Yellow and Green. Red means, “we have to stop NOW”. Yellow means, “there is something that seems dangerous that needs your attention now” or “I’m approaching a limit that you need to recognize.” “Green” is often not used, unless the Top tells you to respond with it when asked how you are doing. It does not necessarily mean that you are flying on the gossamer wings of ecstasy. Rather, it means that there are no problems that need to be addressed. If the bottom is gagged, a good alternative is to have them hold something. If they drop it, that is a signal that they need to communicate with the top.
Chapter Five: What Is Possible?
Practically speaking, almost anything is possible in a BDSM play session or in a relationship.
BDSM goes from stroking a person’s cheek with a feather to branding them with a hot iron. It stretches from a demure downward glance in a restaurant as a sign of respectful subservience to being encased in a rubber suit and paraded around on a leash.
BDSM is:
- Tickling the bottom until they piss themselves.
- Restraining them spread-eagle on the bed, and using all manner of tactile toys to give them a body orgasm without ever touching their genitals.
- A blindfold, and feeding them supper while they keep their hands in their lap, or restrained to their sides.
- Flogging, caning, slapping, punching, clothespinning, frittage (rubbing, either for pain or pleasure), forced urine retention, wax play, painful bondage.
- Bondagebondagebondage!!! (but not always!)
- Playing with the genitals until orgasm is almost reached, then stopping, then starting again.
- A juicy ice-cube rubbed over the belly.
- Role-play: doctor or nurse, police officer, school teacher, doggy play, alien, Nazi interrogation, etc.
- “super-skins.” Rubber, leather, canvas, or any other special clothing that restricts, intensifies the skin’s sensitivity, or stimulates one or both partners through sight, sound, touch, taste or smell.
- “Gear” whether football pads, a lacy camisole, leather restraints, a gas mask, whips or any other toy or piece of clothing or equipment.
- Clothespins everywhere!
BDSM is not:
- Coercive (except in a fantasy sense during a scene).
- Excessively dangerous.
- One-sided.
Chapter Six: Some Specific Techniques
Bondage: I am not an expert on rope bondage. My preference is for straps.
Six-foot straps are a good general length. The black webbing Danny bought is 24 feet, and you have four buckles. Cut the straps into four 6-foot sections (or alternatively, make two 7-footers and two 5-footers). Heat-seal the cut ends of the straps before continuing. Examine the buckles to determine which way is “up”. The small part of the buckle is permanently attached to the strap, by running the strap through the slot so that when about 2 inches of it are folded back over the main part of the strap, it will be away from the body being held by the strap. Use strong thread and sew the 2-inch flap down using a box and X pattern for strength. Of course, the strap is then fed through the slots on the other half of the buckle in such a way that it is adjustable, but holds securely.
A good, quick way to restrain a person to a bed without anything but straps is to run one strap around their biceps, but behind their back, so that they cannot bring their arms forward (you can run the strap clear around their body, but then be aware that they will be able to move their arms more), then do likewise with their wrists, but take one or two extra loops around the wrists before closing the buckle and adjusting the strap to hold the hands down at their side. Then lay the person down on the bed, spread their legs, and use the other two straps to secure each leg to one post or leg of the bed, wrapping one loop around each ankle. There you have a person who cannot get away, can only squirm, and, if you sit on them, can’t even pull away from you.
When you use straps, be mindful of buckle placement for two reasons. First, the bottom’s comfort. A buckle quickly becomes unbearable if it is pressing on a joint or bony place. Move the strap till the buckle is off to the side of the bottom if possible, or keep it centered over the body in fleshy areas. Also, be aware that some parts of the body have very little natural padding, such as the shins and the shoulder bones. In these areas, it is good to place a little padding before using a tight strap. An athletic sock doubled over, or a small piece of foam rubber are both good, inexpensive pads.
Handcuffs and leg-cuffs. Great for play! Great for fantasy. But, always know where the key is before you apply them (and make sure they function properly. They do stick sometimes!)
Especially if you are going to have the bottom lying down, be very careful about the placement of cuffs, as they are extremely uncomfortable to lie on. Always double-lock the cuffs so that they cannot get tighter. Most models have a small hole on the side with a recessed button in it. Push this button in with the corresponding extension on the key. (Some Smith & Wesson cuffs have an oblong hole next to the keyhole, with a little straight wire running through it. To double-lock them, put the double-locking point of the key in that oblong hole and slide the wire until the cuff is double-locked.) To unlock double-locked cuffs, insert the key in the keyhole, and first turn the key in the direction that pushes the button back out, then turn the key the other way to unlock the cuff.
Be aware that it is very easy to cause nerve damage to a person’s wrists by overusing, or over tightening, or placing weight upon, or pulling on handcuffs. They are not designed to do anything except keep a person from moving their hands too far.
Absolutely NEVER suspend a person from hand- or leg-cuffs, or use the cuffs to stretch the arms out in a tight spread-eagle. All these cautions go double for zip-ties!! And if you are going to use zip-ties for anything, make sure you have a cutter handy.
Leather or medical restraints are much more forgiving, and there are specialty restraints made for suspension. Do not attempt any kind of suspension on your own at first. Have a more experienced player standing by to help. And be aware that if the bottom passes out, you will have to be able to get them down as a dead weight. There are “panic releases” that can be used with chain and rope to drop a person in suspension if necessary.
It is possible to find all manner of restraints, either locking or not, in all price ranges. Try them on before you buy. Some are more comfortable, and some are highly erotic to wear. Also, cheap ones do tend to wear out quickly, while expensive ones from reputable dealers tend to last forever.
Safety: Even the most comfortable bondage position can become problematic. Especially if you have the arms stretched out in some way, periodically check the extremities for warmth and good color. Ask whether the bottom is experiencing discomfort such as cold hands or feet, tingling or numbness. Usually, as simple adjustment of a single strap or restraint is all that is needed, if the initial setup was not too extreme. Be aware that if the hands are over the head (whether lying down, or upright) they are more prone to problems. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use this position, only that you need to be more mindful of monitoring.
Straps loosen and need to be tightened periodically during the scene. On the other hand, restraints that are tight won’t become a problem immediately, so you should check in with the bottom after five or ten minutes about problems with the restraints. It is the bottom’s responsibility to make the top aware of any health or safety concerns.
NEVER choke a person, either by hand or by placing anything around or over their throat. Some advanced players do breath-control of several types, but that is a specialized and potentially very dangerous area of play. Use great caution, and NEVER allow any restraint to press on the bottom’s throat. In fact, it is a good idea to have basic first-aid and CPR training if you are going to engage in BDSM.
Other types of bondage include chains and manacles, rope, straitjackets, cages, specialty furniture of all types, and mummification. I can make suggestions on each of these, but if you want information, please ask.
Cleanup: The basics are:
- old terrycloth towels for general cleaning, as well as bath-size for laying over the bottom at the end of the scene to keep them warm and dry them off
- paper towels
- 70 % rubbing alcohol in a spray bottle for general cleaning and disinfecting. This is also useful if the bottom becomes overheated. Spray and blow.
- Hydrogen peroxide in a spray bottle. This is used both for cleaning any cuts or scrapes. It is also used for cleaning any leather that may have gotten body fluids on it. Generally, a quick spray with peroxide followed by a wipe with a towel will not damage leather.
- Floggers, especially need to be cleaned thoroughly with HP between uses. Hang or hold the flogger with the tails hanging down. Spray the HP through the tails, turning and combing them to get them all damp. Anywhere that there is any organic material such as blood, there will be foaming. Then wipe the tails down thoroughly with a terrycloth towel and let the flogger dry hanging tails-down. Straighten and arrange them before they dry.
- Simple Green in a spray bottle. Good for cleaning any naugahyde or vinyl surfaces. For best results, wipe off with a damp towel.
- 10 percent Chlorine bleach solution in a spray bottle. Good for cleaning any gags or other “personal” items. Any items placed in orifices other than the mouth should be “single-person” items. At the very least they should be cleaned thoroughly with simple green or alcohol, then soaked in a bucket of 10 percent Chlorine Bleach solution (1 part standard chlorine bleach to 10 parts water) for about a half hour or so. Any insertable toy that is porous or with cracks or places where dirt can hide should absolutely be “single-person” items.
- To clean tactile toys, spray with the appropriate cleaner (chlorine, alcohol, or hydrogen peroxide), let it sit for a bit, then wipe dry with a clean towel or paper towel. You should clean all toys between players, especially anything that could cut or damage the skin.
- If they become contaminated, and periodically, it is good to wash your straps. Put them in a small laundry bag and throw them into the laundry.
- Leather items should be clean and dry before storage. This includes clothing as well as gear and toys. Mildew is impossible to really remove from leather. Likewise any other restraints that might mildew, especially anything of canvas.
I have spent most of my weekend working on a painting for my friends Sebrina and Master Ron. We had a lovely evening at their home on Thursday night where I took a series of photos of the beautiful Sebrina for reference for the painting. After much discussion and review of the images it came down to two. I printed them both out and picked one to work with.
