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I am interested in talking to you. What excites you? What is on your mind? I would love to know and share. Do you have a question that you would like to discuss? Do you need to have someone understand your desires? Let us see what we have to talk about.

I will expect respect, though I am not to be feared.

So, off you go to - or call 949 999-5900 and do tell them Saffron sent you (it's my middle name). I am extension 611.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

A Dominant Woman Must...

At some point, a dominant woman must dominate, setting Her own expectations and ensuring that they are met.

This is a quote from man possessed in response to a question I asked on one of his recent posts. It really struck a resonating cord with me when I read it and at the risk of laying out delicate vulnerabilities of self-doubt (which I know is a significant aspect of blogging, but vulnerable is difficult) I will offer a bit of me here and my evening last night.

I wanted to take her hand and lead her away. I wanted intimate and quiet and just us for the start. But I couldn't bring myself to simply get up and do that, she was not mine no matter the permission offered. It wasn't a matter of nerve. More an issue of being rude to the rest of them there in the room in pursuit of pleasure with her, and despite the desire, courtesy said no. (Ok, even to me that sounds like a weak excuse). But maybe that was a mistake on my part. But I couldn't just toss manners out the window. But in hindsight maybe I should have. But I also was still unsure of it all and I wanted to know, I wanted her to make me believe that she wanted me as much as I wanted her.

A dominant woman must dominate. And so I perhaps should have taken what I wanted. But it seemed easier said than done. My fears. She didn't really want it, and she has to want it or it is meaningless for me. She wanted it one way, I another and the oil and water differences wouldn't mix. Oh, and maybe a dozen more little and big things. But articulation brings frustration and admitting to mistakes. I can only lay out so much honesty for your consumption before I am lost to the frustrations.

A dominant woman must set her own expectations. But what was I expecting? I still do not know as I am and was allowing it to simply happen, whatever the “it” might be. And maybe that is a passive aggressive mistake. I must say what I want clearly and let the consequences to my spoken desires be what they are. But my vulnerability here is still that possibility of rejection, as it is anytime you lay out clearly what you want, what you expect. Wait, that is not entirely true about last night. I never really thought she would reject me, but rather worried she would find me lacking in what I offered to her. I thought perhaps the exchange would not be enough. But as I never began I do not know the answers to the jumble of self-imposed what-if questions.

If I say on your knees and worship my toes and it is done without enthusiasm, is that worse than it being refused? If I say kiss me and the order is complied with but the kiss is unwanted, is that something I want? If I take a paddle or a whip or my hand to a bottom and it does not bring any pleasure with the pain to the one enduring, is there any point to the exchange? And if I say do this _________ and this _________ is refused why would I ever ask again? None of this happened last night because I never took the steps to even see, I think now that was a mistake. But then in the moment I didn't see clearly another option. Mostly, lack of real experience. And so I ask you to be gentle with your criticisms (constructive and otherwise).

There is a chaos to my thoughts obviously. I can see this as I write. You can see that chaos as you read them here and I can imagine you sitting there shaking your head in amusing wonder at my lack of confidence. A dominant woman must dominate. Just as there is a a cause and effect to a submissive's refusal to submit, so too is there a cause and effect to a dominant not dominating. There will always be consequences to all we do and all we do not do.

Stream of consciousness is just that, a stream. The thoughts roil and tumble over the rocks of worry, the eddies of self-doubt. They sometimes speed up when considering the what-ifs and the should-haves, but too they can pool and stagnate when considering all the possibilities, good and bad, and all the lost opportunities.

There is a time and place for all things. But sometimes you miss seeing that the time was that exact moment and the place was exactly where you were. There is always cause and effect to action and inaction.

A dominant women must dominate or....

I will leave it unfinished as it is just to frustrating in this moment to consider the rest of that sentence.


Miss Marie said...

I have one word for you .... is not going to be easy as you make this venture from on line play to play with face to face people, but, the skills are inside you. The dominance is there. And even on line there is always the chance of each of these fears you listed in this post. I was just as scared as I moved on and really committed to letting my dominant side take over. I had all the same fears you do now. So you just have to TRY. Don't be afraid of that little chance that the play session is not perfect. Just be yourself, and go for it.

calais said...

I think that you really made the right descision in this scenrio. With all those people there with you I could not tell who she was actually submitting too, and to just "lead her away" could have been viewed as rude. I can also see how you would question whether she actually wanted to or not if she was not really submitting to you. I admire your control over this desire and to find a better opportunity to experience the domination style you enjoy. :)

Anonymous said...

I agree with the other two. If this is your first venture into "live play" it might be worth testing the water for a while.

Your post also touches on one of my main problems with the whole D/s thing, which is the imperative to make everything explicit and conscious, and with the focus on the end result of that rather than with the process. That state of confusion and uncertainty you were in, wasn't that at all pleasant?

xo PL