Firstly this post is about being contacted in an unsolicited way by a submissive who might desire to offer him/herself for any number of possibilities. While I am not taking anyone new into my life full time I do understand the wants and desires of some subs goes unfulfilled in their everyday lives and so when they find me online the urge to reach out may seem overwhelming. So, I will answer a question, talk if it is needed, and share what I can in what ways I can when I can with anyone who makes respectful contact.
While I believe 100% that there is a level of respect that should be maintained between Domme and sub, I think the Golden Rule applies in 99.9% of my daily interactions, vanilla or BDSM. When I feel someone strays outside of what they would want done to them respect wise then I take exception to that. Now I know that makes it a bit of a judgment call on my part but reading people is part of what this is about I think. I, as a dominant, have to try and read people every time I interact. See by their words and actions what they desire, what they are thinking, what they want to offer, how far I can push them. This isn't limited to sceneing, but really that very first communication is where it starts.
It is my belief that if people do not ask what for what they want in an open and honest way they may never get it. So I demand open, honest and full communication with those I share with, especially online. I am not talking about topping from the bottom here, but expressing feelings, thoughts and desires as they arise. If we as dominants don't allow that open and honest communication, I just don't feel that it is fair to the person who is submitting. While a tone showing that I will not tolerate certain behavior is appropriate, my acknowledgment that this is still a person with desire, feelings, emotions and hopefully manners is I believe necessary. And perhaps I may find... that a person who I first judged as pushy or topping... with my offering up of my feelings, wants and desires, and my disappointment at how I was first approached, I may find ultimately is worth my time and effort, maybe not as my sub, but as a friend, or as someone who seeks my advice when they are struggling.
All this said... I need to secondly address a situation where a male dominant might talk to me inappropriately. As I take a huge exception to anyone who falsely believes I really want to submit to them simply because I am female (I do not, have not and will not want that). Or talks to me in a way that is disrespectful... vanilla or BDSM! So should someone say something I feel is inappropriate to me in this way I would try to help them see the error of what they have said to me. In a sexually charged atmosphere sometimes people say things that are inappropriate, and so I always try and give the benefit of the doubt and communicate how what they have said is so and see if they back off, back down or hopefully apologize and continue a discussion with me that is appropriate to the situation we are in at the time. Will they understand my feelings and what I am saying...sometimes it is possible, sometimes not. But I have to feel good about me, and part of that for myself is sharing, and talking and understanding someone until they understand me. If I find that doesn't work... and the guy (or girl) just wants to persist in this attempt, futile as it is, to dominate or abuse me verbally then I walk away, hit the ignore button, hit the delete button... whatever may be appropriate.
Of course, all this said, I have been on occasion reminded that perhaps I am being too nice. But it is they way that works for me and I find the peace and balance of what I do and share with others. So far so good anyway.
There are of course hundreds of potential hypothetical situations you could ask me about and what I might do. But I think I can sum it up my general common sense approach to this issue with a quote from the cheesiest movie ever made... I want you to be nice until it's time to not be nice. (Anyone know the movie?)
And what do you think?
What do you have to say... - I invite you to share your comments about anything you want to share, just click on the comments link.