Inflected Form(s): hat·ed; hat·ing
Date: before 12th century
transitive verb .
1 : to feel extreme enmity toward
2 : to have a strong aversion to : find very distasteful
intransitive verb : to express or feel extreme enmity or active hostility
“It was that brief moment when I hated you for causing all that pain with clothespins. Hate is such an intimate emotion.” ~ Performer at the Academy in reply to what I had asked of him.
This comment made me pause and think about the strength of this emotion. This performer has shared a bit with me in the past. Offered me pictures, accepted pain and pleasure at my direction but our relationship at this point is not a committed one, he is not my submissive, but rather someone that comes to me seeking submission. Yet, he felt this emotion, this connection with me in these brief moments that he accepted this pain from me. It was beautiful in its intensity. I took it in and relished that I had caused something so powerful for him.
What I found in this exchange with him that was a epiphany for me was that I was in no way upset that someone felt such a strong negative emotion. Clearly I am growing as well here as when I was younger such a thing, to have someone hate me, would have crushed me. This performer had come to me seeking submission. While I had told him exactly what to do, he had consensually accepted that. Submitting was his choice. So I did not internalize and get wrapped up in the negative aspects of this emotion, but rather took it as a sign that my dominance was a positive thing.
Learning that a large part of being a Dominant is accepting that when someone submits to you they may have these feelings was a turning point for me. I feel that it is important to allow the expression of all emotions, positive and negative. Some may disagree and say that it is of no consequence to a Dominant, that you should remain aloof and above such things. But I don’t believe that for most submitting that is what they want while offering themselves. I am of the strong opinion that constant, open communication makes it better for both of us. But on that same note, I can not let such emotions sway me to give in and be lenient, for fear of such negativity. I must take in and accept it as a part of what the process is.
Now, I also can not allow my own emotions to be abused or allow myself to be harmed mentally. And there is difference between someone expressing how they felt towards me during an act, action, task or a punishment and for someone to say they hate me as a person. I would never want to share with someone who did not care about me as a live human being with all the emotions I bring to the table.
Just as I say I never want to share with a perfect robot of a submissive. I would not want to share with someone who wanted me to be a perfect robot of a Mistress. I accept them for their flaws, their frailties, and all the emotions that come as I hope others will do for me.
What are your experiences with this sort of strong negative emotion? Do you care if you are hated during a D/s exchange? Were you the one doing the hating and did you express it?